Nobody is perfect, not even your partner.
There are bound to be things you don’t adore about them, no matter how amazing they are.
But the key is to not let these things fester in your relationship to the point where they become things that tear your bond apart.
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That’s why we wanted to have some experts weigh in on what things their clients most often hate about their partners, and how these things can be handled in the relationship…
Each other’s friends
When you’re in a serious relationship with someone, you welcome their friends into your life too.
Counselling Directory member Georgina Sturmer tells us: ‘Sometimes this brings added joy to our lives, with new friendships and adventures. But sometimes it adds extra stress and frustration.
‘Perhaps you don’t really like the people who your partner hangs out with, or perhaps you don’t like the way that your partner behaves when they’re with their friends.’
To help rectify this, Georgina recommends acknowledging your feelings, communicating them carefully to your partner, and being delicate when trying to find a solution.
She explains: ‘Maybe you feel angry or frustrated by what their friends say, or how they behave. Perhaps you’re jealous of the connection that they have with your partner. Or maybe you’re feeling insecure or worried that they won’t like you.
‘Be honest about how you feel, but make sure that your partner knows that you’re not blaming their friends, or criticising their choices.
‘Maybe you need to spend more time with your partner’s friends, to truly get to know them. Or maybe you both need to accept that you’ll each spend time with your own friends, in addition to time as a couple.’
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Dismissing you and your feelings
Dr Charlotte Whiteley says this is a common one she faces with her clients.
She explains: ‘They talk about feeling like their partners are not interested in them or their feelings. This can lead to loneliness, disconnection, and reduced sense of self-worth.
‘This makes sense when we understand our romantic partners as key attachment figures. Within those relationships, it is crucial that our partners show interest in us and listen to us.’
Naturally you don’t have control over your partner and their attitudes towards your feelings, but when it comes to doing what you can to fix the issue, Dr Charlotte recommends making time to sit together once a week and talking about the things that are going well in your relationship and the things you’d like to see going better.
‘Make sure you take it in turns to speak and listen,’ she adds, ‘so that you do not get interrupted when you are voicing your feelings of loneliness and disconnection.’
Not listening to your needs
Feeling like your partner isn’t understanding what you want and need from them is never nice – but try to remember that nobody is a mind-reader.
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Georgina says: ‘We might be looking to them for a romantic gesture, for motivation, for compassion, for an adventure. But the reality is that none of us are mind-readers.
‘Tune into what you think you need from your partner, and consider how you communicate this. Are they really ignoring your needs? Or are they simply unaware of how you’re feeling? More often than not, it’s the latter.
Their anger
While there are acceptable and unacceptable ways to show anger in a relationship, anger in and of itself is a normal emotion that we’ve all got to deal with at one point or another.
Dr Charlotte says: ‘Anger is a primal emotion, and its function is to keep threat away. When we are faced with an angry partner, we may feel frightened, or we may react by becoming angry ourselves, both of which are primal survival responses.
‘When anger shows itself in relationships, it’s important to make space for it and listen to the anger. Perhaps outside of the heat of the moment, you can sit down together calmly and talk about the parts of you and your partner that feel anger, what leads to it and how the anger impacts you both.
‘You might be able to come up with some “heat of the moment” strategies, such as “taking ten”, going for a walk, putting on some music and dancing, or something else particular to you.’
Their relationship with money
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It might not be the sexiest thing on the planet, but having good financial compatibility is one of the things long-term relationships are built on.
‘What springs to mind when you think about compatibility?’ says Georgina. ‘Maybe it’s a sense of humour, shared interests, physical attraction, but we don’t often think about financial compatibility.
‘Yet the topic of money and spending often feature heavily in disagreements between a couple.’
To try and get past any financial incompatibility, she recommends talking opening about money and trying to better your understanding of your own relationship with it.
There’s a practical element here about earnings, spending and budgeting,’ she explains. ‘But we also have an emotional relationship with money. Maybe spending gives you pleasure, or makes you feel successful, or perhaps spending triggers fear or anxiety for you.
‘Be open about your finances and be open about how you feel about spending. Be proactive in figuring out how you need to manage your finances together.’
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Their social awkwardness
Dr Charlotte says this is another common one she sees all the time with her clients.
‘Often clients talk about feeling uncomfortable with their partners social behaviour with their friends or family,’ she explains. ‘When our partner misfires socially, it can feel like we want the ground to open underneath us.
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‘This makes sense if we think about how important it is for us to feel a sense of belonging, being part of a social tribe and how worried we might feel if our partner is not selected for that tribe.’
To get past this, you’ll have to remember that you need to be your partner’s biggest cheerleader in social situations.
‘Firstly,’ Dr Charlotte instructs, ‘acknowledge your discomfort and embarrassment and remember how hard and complicated it is to be a social human being.
‘Next, try NOT to fit in. See what happens when you embrace your partner’s quirks, even if you have a hunch they’re not going down well with the tribe.
‘Remind yourself that quirks are what make us interesting and unique. So next time your partner tells a joke with your tribe as audience, make sure you laugh the loudest, even if the rest of the room is silent!’
