In a world of failed first dates, we can often find ourselves wondering what we can do to seem more attractive.
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We aren’t talking about physically – after all, looks are just a small part of what makes someone hot. We’re talking about how you behave, the words you say and the body language you display.
There’s one quality that psychotherapists say is the key to making someone fancy you.
The trait? Self-assurance.
Are we saying it’s fool proof? No. There’s always a chance that even when you’re your best self, you’re still not someone’s cup of tea – but that’s their loss.
Even so, if you display self-assurance on a date, it’s more likely your love interest is going to think you’re hot stuff.
Relational psychotherapist Claire Law tells Metro.co.uk: ‘In a relationship sense, self-assurance is a green flag that screams: “Hey, I know who I am. I’m comfortable in my own skin.”
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‘Who wouldn’t want a partner like that? Someone who’s not constantly seeking validation or approval. A self-assured partner won’t be clingy or needy – they’ll have their own thing going on, which is really sexy.’
Self-assurance is also attractive because it hints at other positive qualities people look for in relationships.
‘These other qualities are emotional maturity, stability, and resilience,’ says Claire.
‘If you’re self-assured, you’re probably pretty good at managing your emotions, coping with stress and making decisions. These are all things that make for a solid, healthy relationship.’
It’s all well and good saying you should be self-assured but, if you’re not sure where to start, we’ve got you covered.
‘Self-assurance is such an attractive quality because it telegraphs a certain attitude to the world. Self-assured people tend to be more at peace with themselves… they’ve made their peace with their strengths and weaknesses,’ says Claire.
So, what are some specific self-assured behaviours on a date?
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Picture this: you’ve just walked into the bar where your first date is and you’ve given your date a hug or a polite kiss on the cheek.
The first thing to make sure you focus on is confident body language.
‘Stand tall, make eye contact, smile warmly. Don’t fidget or cross your arms – that makes you look closed off and nervous,’ explains Claire.
A 2010 study in the journal of Psychological Science found that ‘power posing’ caused behavioural changes for both men and women.
By taking up a self-assured and confident stance participants were found to instantly become ‘more powerful’ – translating into ‘real-world, actionable implications’.
As well as non-verbal cues, there are other things you can do to seem self-assured.
‘Engage in balanced conversation. Ask your date questions, but also share about yourself. A self-assured person isn’t afraid to open up,’ Claire says.
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While some of us can be shy about sharing our thoughts on a certain topic, because we’re afraid someone will disagree, giving your perspective on an issue is sexy.
Be decisive,’ Claire adds. ‘If your date asks for your opinion on something, give it. Don’t hem and haw or say “I don’t know, what do you think?” all the time.
‘Be willing to respectfully disagree. If you have a different opinion, voice it calmly and confidently. A self-assured person can handle a little friendly debate.
‘Order what you want, not what you think your date wants you to order. Speak up if you’re uncomfortable.’
While it’s nice to be validated by someone we’re attracted to, Claire says, it’s important we don’t seek constant reassurance.
‘A self-assured person doesn’t need their date to validate them at every turn. They’re not fishing for compliments,’ she adds.
If you do all these things, it’s likely the date has gone well – although always be receptive to feedback if you don’t get the desired response from them.
Lastly, Claire says: ‘End the date with clear communication. If you want to see them again, say so. If not, politely say you don’t feel a connection. Self-assured people are direct.’
If you’re implementing these tips on your next date, just remember that there’s a difference between self-assurance and being big-headed.
‘It’s about being true to yourself and communicating that authentically. Self-assurance isn’t about putting on an act or being arrogant,’ Claire says.
‘It’s about knowing your worth and embodying that in how you carry yourself and interact with others. And in the the wild world of dating, that kind of quiet confidence is incredibly appealing.’
