- There are more ways to be untrustworthy than lying or not being transparent with a partner.
- A therapist shared more subtle signs to look for if you feel like you can’t trust your partner.
- The ability to take accountability in a relationship is an important factor for trustworthiness.
Sometimes, the most emotionally mature-seeming partners might not be trustworthy.
April Eldemire, a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, said there are overt red flags of untrustworthiness that many people know to spot already — like being secretive about social media or their phone.
But even if a person freely posts you on their grid and always shows up, there are still reasons you might not trust them or feel secure in the relationship, Eldemire told Business Insider.
“A person can show up and be engaged in your life, but not volunteer any of their own sense of selves,” she said.
Eldemire shared three subtle signs a partner is untrustworthy — even if they don’t mean to be.
1. They don’t open up much about their family or past
Eldemire said that things like your partner’s family history or dating past can help you get a better sense of who they are now.
“If you don’t have those puzzle pieces and they’re not volunteering that information because they’re secretive about their past, I think that’s a big sign that it might not be a fully trusting relationship,” she said.
While some people can be more reserved at first, Eldemire said that if you keep feeling like they’re guarding themselves, it “puts a wedge between you, right off the bat,” no matter how consistently they text you back or express their love.
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2. They can’t take accountability
Most people tell a white lie or lie of omission at some point in a relationship, Eldemire said. That doesn’t necessarily make them untrustworthy, but how they handle it afterward does.
“A person who wants to make a relationship work and is also flawed at times can see the error of their ways and do different things to make sure that doesn’t happen again,” she said.
But if they keep gaslighting, stonewalling, deflecting, or blaming you, it’s a sign that they can’t take responsibility for their actions, which hugely erodes trust in a relationship.
“You need that acknowledgment: ‘I did this wrong, I dropped the ball,’ so that person feels understood and heard and validated,” she said. “And also then there’s action to follow that up.”
People who can’t admit to when they did something wrong — no matter how small it is — can’t be trusted to hold themselves accountable for even bigger transgressions down the line.
3. They make big promises with nothing to back them up
While Eldemire said many people make lofty promises like “I will always love you” and “I’ll never hurt you,” how a partner handles those promises makes all the difference in a healthy relationship.
She said a person who is genuine and humble will correct their mistakes and put in the work to course-correct when they do hurt you. For example, if they haven’t done their share of the household chores or forgot an important event, they will actively try to make amends and not repeat the same error in the future.
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But an untrustworthy partner might say those things to manipulate or fast-track the relationship. They will “just say those things to coerce the relationship into the frame or the narrative that they want the person to believe,” she said.
Ultimately, only time can tell if they mean what they say. If they’re committed to the relationship, you won’t wonder so much about why their words don’t match their actions.
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