Relationships take work and if you’ve found yourself putting in overtime lately to make things smooth, it’s understandable to wonder about the signs of a healthy relationship.
It’s important to note this upfront: Relationship experts stress that conflict is normal at some point in a relationship, and that no one sails through without the odd disagreement with their partner. “We cannot ever be in perfect sync with someone,” says Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of Should I Stay or Should I Go?.
Licensed clinical psychologist Juanita Guerra, Ph.D., agrees. “It is literally impossible for one partner in a relationship to always know and fully comprehend the other’s needs, wants, and desires,” she says. In fact, Durvasula says that having a “perfect” relationship would be a “tragedy.” “Relationships grow because they are tested, because we aren’t perfect, because we are always figuring it out,” she says.
That said, having a healthy relationship is important. “Having a healthy relationship makes us happier and has a positive impact on our mental and physical well-being,” Guerra says. “A healthy relationship can also provide a supportive and nurturing foundation that helps us to grow, flourish, and expand in every way.”
Meet the experts: Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., is author of Should I Stay or Should I Go?; Juanita Guerra, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist; Lesli Doares, L.M.F.T., is author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage.
Whether you’re looking for reassurance after going through a rough patch or want to make sure you know what to look for while you’re out there, experts say these are the hallmarks of a healthy relationship.
Respect
This is a crucial element, says Lesli Doares, L.M.F.T., author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage. “Respect is accepting each other as the unique individuals you both are,” she explains. “You honor each other’s qualities, experiences, and opinions as equally valid as your own.”
Durvasula agrees. “Respect relates to being seen, valued, and heard,” she says
Earned trust
Earned trust means that a couple has spent time together and learned that they can rely on each other. “Trust fosters safety” within the relationship, Durvasula says. Respect is also “foundational” to trust, she adds.
“Trust is really about you knowing you can handle whatever happens,” Doares says.
Being able to communicate
This includes during tough times, Durvasula says. “Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and share feelings—especially when it is uncomfortable—can keep the relationship growing,” she says. That means you’re able to talk things out, even when you don’t agree with each other.
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Agreeing to disagree
Arguments and disagreements are practically inevitable with relationships. But healthy couples are able to recognize that they won’t agree on everything—and then move forward, Doares says.
“Two-thirds of all disagreements in a marriage can and do go unresolved,” she says. “That’s how common agreeing to disagree is.” It’s also a life skill to accept differences of opinion, Doares says. “Figuring out why it is so hard that your partner might not agree with you is a process worth doing,” she adds.
Forgiveness
Blind forgiveness isn’t helpful, but forgiving your partner when it will lead to a change in behavior and accountability “can foster growth,” Durvasula says.
“Forgiveness means you are choosing to no longer let the hard emotions run your life,” Doares says. That goes both ways, though. “Being able to forgive goes hand-in-hand with being able to give and receive effective apologies,” Doares says. “But when you are able to own your mistakes and make a real effort to change the behavior, you should not be forever held accountable for things done in the past and no longer repeated.”
Commitment
Commitment is a cornerstone of relationships, although it can look different for everyone. That’s why it’s important to ensure you and your partner are on the same page about how committed you are to the relationship. “Commitment is how you each can feel safe,” Doares says. “It’s not about ‘anything goes’ in terms of your or your partner’s behavior, but it’s about feeling like it’s safe to be yourself.”
Kindness
Kindness can include little things, like picking up your partner’s favorite ice cream at the grocery store, or bigger gestures, like dropping everything to help when they need you.
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“Kindness is another relationship skill, as well as being a good human,” Doares says. “There is never a reason to be anything less than kind to each other.” Doares recommends keeping this in mind, too: “You can never unhear harshness, even if there has been an apology. It’s better to never say harsh things in the first place.”
Being independent within the relationship
You and your partner don’t need to do everything together, and it’s important for you to do your own thing sometimes, Durvasula says. “Healthy relationships are able to achieve that balancing act of individuation and autonomy without a sense of insecurity,” she says.
Being a part of a relationship doesn’t mean giving up on yourself, Doares says. “Yes, you have to be willing to make some adjustments, whether that’s time, quantity, or something else,” she says. “But giving up what feeds you, what makes you feel good about yourself, is never necessary.”
Doing things on your own or with family and friends can help give you and your partner things to talk about, too, Doares says.
Being comfortable together
This doesn’t necessarily happen right away, but you should feel like you can be yourself with your partner over time. “Shared values and time together build connective tissue,” Durvasula says.
This level of comfort also means that you trust that you’ll still be there for each other after off days. “You should bring your best to your relationship but that ‘best’’ may change from day to day,” Doares says. “This goes back to a sense of safety and support: You shouldn’t have to wear a mask or worry about letting your partner down if you’re having an off day.”
Enjoying each other’s company
It’s usually what brings people together and can often keep people together. “Continuing to do things together keeps your relationship growing,” Doares says. “Experiencing new things together releases the same neurotransmitters that are part of the falling in love process.”
Spending time together also allows you to experience new things together, and “newness keeps the love alive,” Doares says.
“As time goes on, it’s easy to let other things get in the way,” Doares says. “But if you want your relationship to last, you need to spend time on it.”
Supporting goals
In a perfect world, you and your partner are each other’s biggest cheerleaders. “Having your partner in your corner makes it easier to deal with any challenges your goals present to you,” Doares says. When you can create goals together, that’s even better. “Setting compatible goals is the way to keep your relationship on track,” Doares says.
Making decisions together
Joint decisions are inevitable for couples, whether it’s on where to live, how to raise kids, or whether to make a big investment. “Joint decision-making underlies balance and equity that are so important in a relationship and are also predicated on respect,” Durvasula says.
Doares suggests being mindful of this: “Every decision either of you make influences the other person, either directly or indirectly.”
Being able to have tough conversations
Tough conversations are bound to come up, and it’s important to have them, even if you don’t want to. “If you can’t talk about something, you can’t resolve it,” Doares says. “Putting off hard conversations just makes them harder when they do come up.”
Avoiding tough conversations can also make them come up in inapprorpriate ways or when you’re caught off-guard, Doares says.
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