- There are four types of emotionally immature parents, according to a psychologist.
- Their traits vary but all negatively impact their kids, often into adulthood.
- The types of emotionally immature parents are reactive, passive, critical, and emotionally absent.
If your relationship with your parents or caregivers has ever felt strained, tense, or distant, they might be emotionally immature, according to Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, a clinical psychologist specializing in dysfunctional families.
Most emotionally immature parents will show problems with being egocentric, showing low empathy, avoiding emotional intimacy, not being self-reflective, and dealing with reality by denying, dismissing, or distorting anything they find unpleasant,” Gibson told Business Insider over email.
Relationships with these parents can be confusing because they might still show they care about you in other ways — like offering financial support or taking great care of you when you’re sick. Gibson previously told BI that’s why she avoids terms like narcissism to describe these parents, as they “tend to paint the personality with a broad brush.”
Instead, she focuses on four main types of emotionally immature parents and how they impact their kids.
While a parent can be more than one type, Gibson said that for the most part, they tend to fall into one category. “Their personality differences are quite distinct, because of their unique methods of coping with emotion and stress,” she said.
Here are the four types of emotionally immature parents.
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1. Reactive parents
Reactive parents are generally volatile and can’t regulate their emotions. They might be the parent that you walked on eggshells around so you didn’t set them off.
In her book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” Gibson refers to reactive parents as “emotional parents” because these parents feel like they’re ruled by their feelings.
Whether the parent is furious, anxious, or depressed, “they make life so unpleasant when they get upset that people start involuntarily automatically thinking twice before they speak or do something,” Gibson said.
Being around this kind of parent teaches kids to become people-pleasers, always on the lookout for potential conflict that they might need to stamp out, Gibson previously told BI. Adult children of these parents may also have a hard time setting boundaries and learning how to decipher their own feelings.
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2. Highly critical parents
Highly critical parents are perfectionists who nitpick at everything their child does. Gibson also calls them “driven” parents, because “they’re always going after something,” she said.
When you finally got straight As in school, they started picking apart your gymnastics performance instead.
“They can be very pushy and very controlling,” Gibson said. “It’s coming from a belief that in order to be anybody or accomplish anything, you’ve got to really have that drive and keep on trying to be perfect, otherwise you’re likely to be a total failure.”
Kids of these parents can end up burning out a lot in their lives or even pick careers they don’t like, simply because their parents would disapprove of their passions.
3. Passive parents
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Passive parents are sometimes the more “fun” parent, able to really connect with their child when playing.
“The passive parent can actually be emotionally present with the child more than any of the other three types,” Gibson said. “The problem is that they are just kind of passive in their role as parent.”
That often means not standing up for the child if they’re being mistreated by the other parent.
If the other parent starts to scream at the child, for example, the passive parent will shut down or even leave the room. “They don’t seem to feel that protective need to step in to help the child,” Gibson said.
When their child exhibits any uncomfortable emotions, such as anger or fear, the passive parent doesn’t comfort or even acknowledge them.
This makes it hard for their kids to have healthy relationships later in life, because they learn to hide their feelings while having no guidance for how to resolve conflict effectively, according to Gibson.
4. Emotionally absent parents
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Unlike the passive parent who ignores conflict or hard emotions, an emotionally absent parent essentially acts like their child doesn’t exist, Gibson said. They don’t respond with empathy to any of their child’s expressions. She also calls these parents “rejecting” parents.
“They can really create problems with a person’s self-confidence,” she said. “That child feels not important enough to command the parent’s attention.”
Because these children are so frequently ignored, she said they can later date narcissistic people who finally give them the attention they’ve always craved. Adult children of emotionally absent parents are also used to accepting the bare minimum from people, and might not have high standards for their partners.
