- Couples can deeply love each other and still not be compatible in a long-term relationship.
- A psychologist shared a few signs you might be in the wrong relationship.
- Signs include arguing in circles and wanting each other to drastically change.
Love is a powerful force. But even the most fiery passion can’t hold a relationship together that just isn’t working.
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Susan South, a professor of clinical psychology at Purdue University, previously told Business Insider that couples usually spot their differences early in the relationship. They either break up, decide it’s something they can live with, or sweep it under the rug only to continually fight about it later.
And while South said that some fighting is normal and healthy in relationships, not all fighting is created equal. She said “that it’s fighting fair, fighting towards a goal and not being defensive or using criticism,” that ultimately helps couples problem-solve and move forward together.
If you’re not able to do this, however, you might have taken the rug-sweeping approach — only for problems to rear their head again years, or decades, later. You may find yourself in the position of deeply loving someone that you’ve been in a relationship with, but wondering if they are still the right person for you.
South shared some of the subtle signs you might be in the wrong relationship.
1. You argue as often as you have fun, if not more
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While South said it’s very common to have a recurring fight in your relationship, the severity of the arguments matters.
“How frequently is it coming up as a topic?” South said. “How frequently is it the start of a larger fight or disagreement?”
While a recurring argument doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship, South said it could be good to speak to a couple’s therapist and get some help if you can’t get past one specific argument.
That being said, it’s also good to pay attention to how often you’re arguing overall, and if it’s about a host of other topics as well.
“You can have some fights, but do you have a lot more good times than bad?” South said. “Is the balance off? Are you the kind of couple that spends 75% of the time fighting and 25% having fun?”
If so, she said that doesn’t bode well for a happy, long-term relationship
2. You hold back parts of yourself
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South said that not everyone is comfortable with opening up, and that’s ok. Some people are just naturally more extroverted than others.
However, there’s a difference between being naturally reserved and consciously holding back details about your life, whether it’s your ambitions or parts of your past.
“We probably have a little voice inside our head saying, ‘I don’t really want to share more with this person,'” South said.
She said lasting partnership is built on trust and the feeling that your partner is here to help you reach your goals. If you’re hesitant about being your full self around your partner, it could mean that you don’t think they’d have your back if you were authentic.
3. You keep wanting to change your partner
While South said some people accept each other’s differences early on or break up, there are also “people who commit to a relationship and they feel like can get past whatever differences they have with this person.”
Then, as the years pass, they’re disappointed when they can’t get past these differences — or that their partner can’t change.
She said that though some people do people change over time, most generally stay the same.
So if you’re in a long-term relationship and continually trying to tweak your partner into being the person you want them to be, it’s a likely sign the relationship just isn’t a fit.
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4. One or both of you changed and grew apart
In some cases, one or both people can drastically change, according to South. One person might change their mind on having kids or go through a mental health problem. Or they might just realize they want completely different things in life.
If you’re wondering about why you feel confused about your relationship, South said a good question to ask is “Has the person changed in some way, or have you changed?”
What you do next will vary based on what the changes are and how comfortable either of you is with adjusting. It can be a twist in a long life together, or a sign that your paths should split here.
