- All relationships have ups and downs, but deciding when it’s actually time to break up can be hard.
- Factors outside of your relationship, like illness or a new job, can cloud your decision.
- A psychologist shared three questions to consider if something feels off.
Healthy relationships take work and compromise, but sometimes it can be difficult to tell whether you’re going through a rocky patch, or if something is really off.
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Dr. Sandra Wheatley, a UK-based social psychologist and a chartered member of the British Psychological Society, told Insider that it’s important to be honest with yourself in moments like these and self-reflect.
“Write everything down,” she said, “Don’t censor your thoughts.” You could also record yourself speaking into your phone and send it to yourself as a voice note, she said.
Wheatley shared three questions to ask yourself before ending things for good.
What is happening outside of your relationship?
A good place to start is to assess if anything outside of your relationship has changed in your partner’s life, Wheatley said.
This could include any change that could affect their behavior, from being sick to starting a new job or picking up a new hobby.
They might be more stressed out or distracted if they are focused on making a good impression in a new office, she said. Or maybe they don’t want to have sex as often because they are navigating a new health issue.
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Using this information, you can then ask yourself questions like: has this happened before? Is this external issue going to resolve itself or disappear with time? Are you prepared to wait and give them that chance?
Is something different because of you?
Wheatley said that it’s important to be open to the idea that you might have a role in the dynamic change.
“Look in the mirror and find out for yourself. Is this coming from you or is this coming from them?” she said.
In the same way that you assessed if something has changed in your partner’s life, you should reflect upon your own behavior.
“Be willing to consider the possibility that it’s you and it’s not them,” she said.
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Does this person add to your life?
It’s also important to think about whether this person enhances your life, or whether they detract from it, Wheatley said.
She suggested writing out all the positive and negative attributes of the relationship in an unfiltered way.
“You might be surprised by just how much there is in the positive column in terms of quantity,” she said. But maybe you decide that the quality of the issues in the negative column is more important for you.
“You have to make the right decision for you, and ultimately if you decide that this isn’t working for you, it will be the right decision for the other person as well,” she said.
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If you are feeling anxious about whether you’ve made the right decision, take your time and you feel your way through this, she said. It’s often helpful to talk to somebody you trust first too.
